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     => Cast Your Cares Upon Him
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     => Hospice Memorial Night Story (Art)
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     => Historic Calvinism
     => I Feel So Small (Poem)
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The Destination! - My Journey (Testimony)

My Journey (Testimony) by FireStater


Who am I?.... I am Beloved and Chosen and SO IN LOVE With JESUS .. HE
is MY "forever Romance"... But I best go Back to explain Why I am cause I was SOO different Before I even Fell in love with GOD...
  I am the oldest of 7.. have two full brothers,, one half brother.. 3
half sisters.. My mom left my dad and two lil brothers when I was only
7 years old. Dad was a Air Force Male Nurse in Salt Lake City Utah.
  Mom had a fling with another guy; he did not want her boys but had her take me when they ran off together. We ended up in Racine, Wisconsin. Mom apparently got a "quickie' divorce and pregnant the year I turned 8 and that's when I realized one reason I was in the "family" to be a live- in babysitter/housekeeper while mom and her hubby worked. My life was school ..home ..taking care of baby(ies ).. chores.. homework.. bed... I lost my friends and my free time.  When I was just turning 11, my step-dad started noticing me in a way I felt real uncomfortable with. My mom knew, but to "please her mans wants" she gave me to him... in other words.. I was raped by him.. and more than once. I lost my virginity to this guy and when I tried to fight, I got slapped and punched for my misbehaving. I was told I 'asked for it' all the time... the sexual abuse; the verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. I lived like this from age 11 -14. The harder the hits and belt buckle beatings that left scars on my body n kicks and split skulls.. the more I fought my mom and her hubby to keep him away from me. The more I was told how UGLY and retarded (was tested and they were told I had a learning disability when I was in 5th grade). I was told how Useless and Huge I was. The more I closed off inside, my heart and spirit were ripped in so many pieces I felt I was not me anymore.
I knew about GOD. Mom and her family and my birth dad were all Mormon,
BUT what I knew of GOD scared me. I felt He did not want me either
because as Mom said.. I was "rotten to the bone" I tried to do God and all a favor and cease to be. But I was too chicken to attempt much so I got a police record instead. I saw jail and the streets more times than I had ever sat in a class room.
I robbed people, broke into houses, into garages; shoplifted, stole
anything I wanted or needed. I started drinking heavily; smoking heavily; dabbling into the occult and by then I had been not only continually raped by my step dad but 4 other men as well who thought I needed to know what "love and my purpose was". I was so hungering to love the way I read in books and saw in the movies. The way I  thought a "white Knight" was I kept  looking for something to fill my empty life. I went to Juvenile Hall in East Los Angeles, Calif. There a therapist gave me a very slim chance of being anything let alone making it. In Juvenile Hall my roomies were no little runaways; they were under-aged gang members, thieves. Even they had family and friends who cared and wrote and came on visiting days. I sat in room or outside alone and watched. After two and a half months, I was placed in a group home. I met a wonderful lady who was the head cook there. A Godly woman; she and I were becoming friends.  I went into training as an Institutional cook after I left group home but sadly, I did not stick with it.
 After a year my mom got custody of me again.  I did meet a guy I
thought loved me. I was 16 he 18. Mom and her hubby took us to Las Vegas, Nev. and we got married. He was heavy into drugs and selling them.. and part of a violent East L.A. street gang. Little did I realize he hid all his drugs in my side of the dresser. Detectives were watching ME as the Dealer and I was still on probation. But, GOD had me covered even though I did not know Him. Hubby got off his probation as soon as we got married we had only been married 6 months when,... right after I turned 17; two weeks before Christmas ( Merry Christmas to me huh) ,, my hubby told me he wanted out of the marriage. I was not pretty or smart and was "damaged goods". He wanted a girl who was good for his "image". He sold all I owned for bail money after his last arrest, so, I was left with nothing to hit the streets again. While on the street I met a girl who led me to her pastor who had us stay at a "safe Haven".
It was a  home open to street people; run by Christians. She gave
her heart to GOD after a week, but I did not give in until a month later.
I met my current hubby there. By this time the court system cut me
loose from my probation and erased my record... a Birthday gift i did not expect!  We dated all the way till my divorce was final and jumped right into a second marriage --for both of us.. he had just come out of a bad marriage too. Neither one of us had kids involved. But we Soon
backslid and got back into our old lifestyles. I had both of my girls Before I turned 21 and that was a blessing. I slowed down a lot on the Party life, but hubby could not let go. We had problems with each other. One problem I hid from people almost cost me my life, literally, and,, if GOD had not stepped in again, and come to my rescue.. I would NOT be telling you my story. I spent a lot of time trying to please hubby and others( I Lost myself in my dark lil shell), but I was  never good enough, never quiet enough, or smart enough and I had a shady past and dropped out of high school in freshman year. But, Hubby did rededicate his life back to GOD in 1998 and quit drinking.  I however, kept running From God. I only went to church to keep up hubby’s image but I was cold and bleeding inside. One Sunday, just before our over nite church retreat at a local hotel, pastor talked of "first Love" my heart stirred. However, I thought I was too flawed to deserve a True Love. That night we were in Worship when one of the ladies came up to me and told me what I had been doing... running from God, but He loved and wanted me. I ran from the room I was so scared to have been found out. But GOD was waiting to meet me in my hotel room and I surrendered to Him. I will never forget it,
Feb 23rd 2003. When I returned home things started changing. Jesus,
again, was waiting for me. The love that I felt from Him made my body go weak and warm and ohh how sweet ... I never had Anybody love me like
I fell head over heels IN LOVE All over again with My King,, This
time.. for Keeps... I was baptized June of 03 and its been rocky in spots for four years but A Wonderful Time as well. I am So In Love with JESUS and His People!  Saved!! HE has Changed my Life and given me not Only a new heart ,, He has Given me More than I ever had in the past. A
Wonderful Believing Family in GOD that I love So much. I am actually
Ministering to people.. Jesus is my heart, my Life, my Forever Romance. I pray He is For You as Well. My story is Far from done as I am far from perfect.. but, I look forward now with a Hope and a Love who Knows my name.. He Never leaves me .. He is my Hope for All Tomorrows.
In closing, I left the Mormon religion and my Dad who, I reunited
 with after I was 18, and I never could get close, but he and I still love each other and my two little brothers. I felt the Lord wanted me to write my heart to Dad.  My New Life my Love for GOD telling Him How God loves him.. to find that two weeks After dad got my letter ,, He died of Brain Cancer, May 28th 2004. My step dad died from a massive heart attack in 1994 and my Mom and her family don’t talk to me anymore. I wrote my mom too and also said I forgave her and her hubby and hoped they forgave me. I pray she finds the True Love she seeks one day.
There are a lot of times God will whisper things to my heart and He
shows me in ways I understand that I am a simple person who had a real
hard Long battle with Life before GOD,, but now,,, my life is so Blessed.
  I love Him more than Life itself... HE IS my life I never made it
past 8th grade in school, but, I know how life was as a street kid, as an abused kid and ALL abuse; body, mind, Soul, spirit, heart. A jail and juvenile Hall court system kid, a young married to a gang and drug
dealer-life wife. I have been through a lot of stuff and many near misses;
but GOD kept His eye and hand on me the whole time. Now, my day doesn't start right until I spend some time each morning telling My King how I love Him and thank Him for His Love .. thank Him for another day to tell Him and see a glimpse of His heart in the Sunrises. I'm not promised a tomorrow but He does promise to be with me through the day. and in that, I give all my heart to please His. HE saved my life in more than one way.

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